(aka How to Have Your Cake, Eat It, and Maybe Eat Them Too)

First things first: threesomes are like brunch — usually better in theory than reality, absolutely iconic if you know what you’re doing.

So here we go — the tea, the truth, and the tips no one tells you (but should). Inevitably, there’s probably going to be one guy you probably find hotter than the other, but that doesn’t mean their cock and/or hole is any worse. Enjoy the extra equipment and possibilities, and don’t leave them out on the tundra.

What about couples? You usually want to be the guest star, but it usually takes a well-adjusted couple to have a fun three-way. You don’t want to be the one breaking up someone’s happy home.

Charity work? Park that attitude at the door and get in there and enjoy the ride. Hopefully, someone who is way better looking than you will do the same.

1. The Vibe Is Everything

(Almost) forget positions — the true position you want is vibing.

If one of you is weird, insecure, or acting like they’re auditioning for porn… it’s gonna be awkward.

→ Are you laughing together?
→ Is the energy easy?
→ Is anyone being left out?

We all get horny. Let go and enjoy it.

2. Rules? Guidelines? At Least a Loose Memo.

Talk first. Yes, like adults.

→ What’s on the table? (and who’s getting on it)
→ What’s off-limits? (feelings? kissing? sleeping over?)
→ Safe word? (If it’s “Mariah” I will personally high-five you.)

Silence is sexy in bed. Silence about expectations? Not so much. Talking is king. Ego is boring. Two tops and one bottom? One bottom or two tops? Or every hole is open for use? It’s your threesome.

3. Everyone Eats.

Listen, if it’s two guys and one is doing all the work while the other lounges like a Kardashian on vacation… NO.

Rotate. Participate. Hydrate. Reciprocate.

No one is just there for set dressing. Unless explicitly agreed upon, and in that case — werk.

4. It’s Not a Competition (Unless It’s a Race to Make Them Moan)

Leave your insecurities at the door with your pants.

→ Size comparison? Tired.
→ Who’s hotter? Who cares.
→ Performing like it’s the Olympics? Relax, babe, it’s sex, not Lake Placid (or flaccid).

This is playtime, not battle royale.

5. Hygiene is Foreplay

Look, gay men have entire skincare routines more elaborate than NASA’s launch sequence.

→ Shower.
→ Trim what needs trimming.
→ Mouthwash is free.
→ Bring extra towels like you’re hosting a pool party for very naked, very sweaty men.

Trust me, clean is always hot.

6. Lube Is Love

More is more. You’d rather mop after than cry during.

Buy the good stuff. Warm it in your hands. Apply liberally, like sunscreen at Pride.

7. Positions Matter Less Than Enthusiasm

Top, bottom, side dish — label whatever, just show up engaged. Position does matter, but if someone is poking around your door and you’re ONLY a top, relax a little.

Be the supportive gay mom friend you wish you had in middle school: “YASSSSS GET ITTTT!” (But like, with your mouth full.)

8. Aftercare Isn’t Just for Kink

Once everybody’s fully served, don’t ghost each other like a bad Grindr hook-up from 2014.

→ Cuddle a little.
→ Laugh.
→ Compliment.
→ Offer water like you’re in a gay desert.

Leaving someone feeling used = rookie move. Leaving someone feeling adored = iconic. Leaving someone feeling used AND adored? Nirvana.

9. Be Ready for Feelings (Yours or Theirs)

Sometimes it’s just hot fun. Sometimes somebody catches feelings faster than you catch a cold at White Party.

Don’t be messy about it. Be honest, gentle, and grown.

(Unless messy is the plan, in which case, live your life — just tip your emotional bartender afterwards.)

10. The Best Threesomes Feel Like a Party, Not a Porn Scene

Laugh. Moan. Be weird. Be wild.

Bad porn is soulless. Great sex is connection + chaos + laughter + lube.

If at any point someone shouts, “Wait, whose leg is this?” — congratulations, you’re doing it right.

Final Thoughts?

→ Threesomes aren’t about proving anything.
→ They’re about sharing something.
→ And maybe getting a picture of the hottest sex you ever had (bodies, no faces, please).

Stay horny. Stay slutty. Stay hydrated.